In memory of Leila Joan Walkerden

Leila Joan

It was Tuesday 1st September when I first found out I was expecting you. I’d gotten up extra early and had hoped I could run out and surprise your dad with a positive pregnancy test. By the time I’d pulled myself together your dad had left for work and I started my 12hr journey of bottling up the secret. When your dad finally got home, I didn’t have the words. I had thought about it all day how I would surprise him by saying something sweet and romantic, but instead it was like verbal vomit. I shouted at him as he came in the door, asking him to look in the draw of our entry table. Jake’s shock was perfect, he froze on the couch unable to show any emotion. His eyes said it all he was excited, surprised, scared but most of all in love. Leila your daddy loved you from before we had even laid eyes on you. 

The journey of growing you and keeping in our little secret was a lot harder than we expected. With our family and friends all on bump watch, every time you made me tired, nauseous or sore we had a tribe behind the scenes crossing their fingers and toes waiting patiently for us to confirm their suspicions.  We had great plans of how we would announce we were expecting you but along the road you had other plans by sending me to hospital and making yourself at home creating a glorious bump by 10weeks. By the time I’d been growing you for 12 weeks Granny was harassing me daily on when the news would be shared with our greater family. You brought her so much excitement and joy that she struggled to hold it in. Once we shared our exciting news the mixed emotions of keeping your gender unknown was expressed by all. Everyone had their own idea on what you would be. Personally knowing that your due date was Nanna Joan’s birthday, I always had a strong feeling I was growing a little girl. 

You continued to grow and cause quite a scene. Leila you always put on a show when we visited the doctors. You made sure we could measure your heart beat, but it was always on your terms. From our 3 hour ultrasound, all because you wouldn’t stay still, to your continually kicking the heartbeat monitor when I was in labour because you wanted the midwives to stay close. Your personality was already showing through and we knew we were in for a life with a little pocket rocket.  

Leila your arrival was nothing short of extraordinary. Deciding to come 15weeks early and on my first day back at work for the year. You tried your best to come in January, but my determination to not have a baby born in January paid off as I was able to hold you in for 3 days bringing your birthday to 2nd of February. You arrived face first and looking up towards me and daddy. The first sound you made in the arms of the NICU nurses made my heart complete. The soft squeak as they started to connect you to monitors and machines, put my mind at ease that my fist pumping baby was safe. Leila that squeak didn’t remain soft for long as the stronger you became the louder you protested and spoke your mind on things that were happening. 

Leila in your short time with us you made certain that we knew what you liked and disliked. 

You always hated having your face mask changed to the nose prongs, you disliked the book ‘The Gruffalo’ and always protested as you came out of your warm incubator until you were safely in mine or daddy’s arms. 

You loved 

• snuggling in for cuddles
• wrapping your fingers around mine and daddy’s hand
• Cuddling into your nest with your arms beside your face
• listening to your dad read you stories
• Stroking daddy’s hairy chest 

Leila Joan Walkerden, you came into this world in such a hurry and left way too soon. Know that you have left a mark on our hearts and that you will never be forgotten. Know that I have been reflecting on your determination, courage and strength in your 12 days with us and am so proud to call you my daughter.